Friday, July 1, 2022
4:23 AM
Dear Mark,
The only sounds in the stillness of this morning are the whirrrr of the ceiling fan and the gentle buzz of the refrigerator. It’s in these moments of relative quiet that I can hear your laugh. God, how I miss that laugh.
Life is so different for me now. I still sometimes long for the days when I could talk to you about anything and everything, and you never tried to fix what was wrong. You just existed with me, let me feel what I felt, made me laugh and loved me through it. No one had ever given me a gift like that before, and because of it you changed my life and the lives of everyone I will ever touch.
You taught me to love, and I have. I love without worrying about what might happen as a result. Having you and losing you could have killed me, but it granted me the gift of loving with a deep and relentless fervor that now fuels every corner of my life. You did that. You helped me find myself against all the odds.
Next month I’ll have been married for two years to Zak, a man who can make me cuss and make me laugh with equal frequency. Like you were, he is unapologetically himself; seeing him live that truth reminds me to be unapologetically me. More recently, Rob came into my life and reminded me of the gentleness and determination of your spirit. His love is so pure and true, it makes me think of you and smile from the inside out. Then there’s Dan, who reminds me of the young man who was so enamored with you despite himself. He makes me better by being a mirror of who I once was, just like you did.
I wanted more time with you, but I have made peace with the time I had. Now I have a family who reflects your most endearing and frustrating facets, and I have come to realize that you’re right here in my heart where you’ve been since that day at the Washington Square Diner when I lingered too long looking at a goofy giant with the infectious laugh and heart-stopping eyes.
I still cry sometimes when I think of you, but more often than not, they’re tears of gratefulness for every beautiful thing you brought into my life.
And never forget that I love you.
Love,
Michael
You put all your faith in my dreams
You gave me the world that I wanted
What did I do to deserve you?
I follow your steps with my feet
I walk on the road that you started
I need you to know that I heard you, every word
I’ve waited way too long to say
Everything you mean to me
In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you now
I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around
In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth
I’m everything that I am because of you
I, I’ve carried this song in my mind
Listen, it’s echoing in me
But I haven’t helped you to hear it
We, we’ve only got so much time
I’m pretty sure it would kill me
If you didn’t know the pieces of me are pieces of you
I’ve waited way too long to say
Everything you mean to me
In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you now
I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around
In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth
I’m everything that I am because of you
I have a hero whenever I need one
I just look up to you and I see one
I’m a man ’cause you taught me to be one
In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you now
I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around
In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth
I’m everything that I am
Whoa, woah
Whoa, woah
In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth
As long as I’m here as I am, so are you