I was told recently that I act like I’m perfect when I’m not. While I don’t think that’s true, I wanted to take a minute this morning and say unequivocally that I am anything but perfect.
I often wake up wishing I could just disappear. I have managed to function through crippling depression for most of my life, though I generally avoid talking about the less-than-happy aspects of my life because keeping my focus on something productive has sometimes been the only thing that has kept me alive. My life has been devoted to promoting positivity, compassion, and love because I refuse to give in to my own demons, and because every time I say or type the words “and never forget that I love you”, I remember the man who first said them to me. Even 21 years later, as the anniversary of his death approaches, I find myself wishing it had been me who was on the plane that day.
My post-traumatic stress is very real and it has a hairpin trigger. My high-functioning anxiety battles with me every day of my life. Depression only leaves me alone just long enough that I find myself lulled into a false sense of security. Perfection has never been my goal. All I’m trying to do is make it through another day and offer a little hope, compassion, and love to other people who might be feeling some of the same things I do. If that’s you, you’re not alone.
If you are in crisis and need to talk to someone, please reach out to a trusted friend or loved one. If you don’t feel you can do that, you can now call 988 in the U.S. for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Never forget that I love you, and that excludes no one.